Life gets crazy. I don’t even know where to begin on how these past weeks have been.
No half marathon prep. Will be cheering on the full marathoners as they run right past my house. It has just fallen away as work became more than I thought it would be. So much can change in an instant. And it isn’t possible to take it on yourself. I see the light at the end of the tunnel now, but for a while there I did not know who I really could depend on. I hate to say it, but I felt abandoned. I didn’t have my boss or my mentor who had just retired to turn to. A learning experience, but one that I didn’t feel I had the experience for.
And then in the middle, I got to spend time with those that matter most. In a place where I didn’t have to worry about anything but the other pieces of my heart. I got to spend three days with most of “the thread.” And become a bridesmaid for a dear friend. The women who know me. The women who are pursuing their own path. The women who are my guiding forces. The women I see myself getting into trouble with when we all are in an assisted living facility. The women I miss when we parted ways. It was just what I needed. Too short, but I will take those three glorious days.
It never fails to renew me to go home. The idea of home has become vague over these past four years. But when you can sleep through the night for the first time in months, you know you’re in a safe place. I think I keep myself away for too long based on financial reasons. With Grandma’s health declining, I know that I should be going home more. I need to make it a point. Years from now, I know that I will be disappointed in myself for not taking the time.
On Saturday, I took a heart healing chakra yoga class. I went in tired from another class and wearing pants instead of my usual shorts. I picked a hot corner and just couldn’t shake a feeling of frustration. I wanted to be done and at home, but I was on my mat. I made it through the class and settled into the final pose with the instructor starting to say some words. I remember her counting us in and telling us she would bring us out. Warning us that she has put people to sleep before, though mostly men. I settled in and began to listen, and as usual my mind wandered. To work issues and then all of a sudden she was counting 3, 2, 1 and I was wide awake. And not remembering what was in my mind just the moment before. I can’t be certain, but I went someplace else or was in that state between sleep and being awake. Ever since I have felt lighter. I don’t know what she did, or if I experienced anything different. But something happened. And my frustration that I carried for an hour and a half during class was gone. This practice does something. Sometimes I can’t explain, but it does. I’m going to take that feeling into these next weeks. I need to lose this frustration.