Today I started working with my yoga instructor outside of the studio. We’re going to be changing my relationship with food and also myself. As we walked around the park and I told her my story (or the cliff notes version as she said) and where some of my issues stem from. She immediately called me out on things that close friends have mentioned along the way. And we’d only been talking for 30 minutes. It was surprising and as I try to go to bed tonight, it stings. But it’s true.
Ever since my less than favorable experience with sex, I’ve built up walls in order to protect myself. I don’t let anyone get close enough to hurt me again. And I also don’t allow people to wrong me. If they don’t follow through on a planned event, I hold that against them or completely give up on the relationship. She said that I need to put myself out there and that even though I may get hurt, the dramatic cliff dive I took my first time won’t repeat itself as greatly. A big fall turns into a tiny step. As we learn and we grow.
It’s eerie that someone who didn’t know too much about me can call me out on things that I know my good friends can. Just from how I tell my story and explain things, she picked apart my excuses. And the sobering moment that this event three years in the past still has a hold on me. I need to move on from that year in my life. I need to forgive myself for my part in it. I need to realize they weren’t a great group of friends. I need to realize they aren’t terrible people but didn’t treat me well.
And the hard part she says, is that I won’t be able to make life long changes unless I fix the head, the heart, and the body. All together. Fixing my body won’t solve my underlying issues. It won’t solve my distrust of men. Won’t stop me from thinking all guys will treat me this way, because somehow I’m not worthy or lacking in a certain area. The change needs to be total. And while I was looking forward to better eating, learning about nutrition, the head and the heart stuff scares me. I like feeling safe. I like the protection I’ve created in just the last year. It’s easier for me to remain as I am and not go beyond my safety zones. Trying new things got me so far, but I can always expand. Go back to the Tattered Cover readings, try to see if OkCupid guy still wants to meet, do a meet up, etc. I can claim I did those things, but did I really try? Did I make it a point to vary my routine more than a couple weeks? No. She called me out for wanting a friend group again, but being seemingly content with how things are now. I kept saying how great this group of friends was, until it wasn’t. But it wasn’t healthy, it wasn’t good for me. And I need to stop saying that one year was awesome, when in actuality it wasn’t. But in order to get what I want and finding more friends with better values, I need to put myself out there.
Whew. I think I’m going in circles now. Time for bed. The dull ache that I thought left me about a year ago is back on my chest tonight. I hope it lifts as I go through this new process, but maybe I keep pushing it away instead of dealing with the hurt. All I know, Jessica is kicking my butt off the yoga matt already.
This time, it’s really my heart.