$#!& What did I get myself into?

Today I started working with my yoga instructor outside of the studio. We’re going to be changing my relationship with food and also myself. As we walked around the park and I told her my story (or the cliff notes version as she said) and where some of my issues stem from. She immediately called me out on things that close friends have mentioned along the way. And we’d only been talking for 30 minutes. It was surprising and as I try to go to bed tonight, it stings. But it’s true.

Ever since my less than favorable experience with sex, I’ve built up walls in order to protect myself. I don’t let anyone get close enough to hurt me again. And I also don’t allow people to wrong me. If they don’t follow through on a planned event, I hold that against them or completely give up on the relationship. She said that I need to put myself out there and that even though I may get hurt, the dramatic cliff dive I took my first time won’t repeat itself as greatly. A big fall turns into a tiny step. As we learn and we grow.

It’s eerie that someone who didn’t know too much about me can call me out on things that I know my good friends can. Just from how I tell my story and explain things, she picked apart my excuses. And the sobering moment that this event three years in the past still has a hold on me. I need to move on from that year in my life. I need to forgive myself for my part in it. I need to realize they weren’t a great group of friends. I need to realize they aren’t terrible people but didn’t treat me well.

And the hard part she says, is that I won’t be able to make life long changes unless I fix the head, the heart, and the body. All together. Fixing my body won’t solve my underlying issues. It won’t solve my distrust of men. Won’t stop me from thinking all guys will treat me this way, because somehow I’m not worthy or lacking in a certain area. The change needs to be total. And while I was looking forward to better eating, learning about nutrition, the head and the heart stuff scares me. I like feeling safe. I like the protection I’ve created in just the last year. It’s easier for me to remain as I am and not go beyond my safety zones. Trying new things got me so far, but I can always expand. Go back to the Tattered Cover readings, try to see if OkCupid guy still wants to meet, do a meet up, etc. I can claim I did those things, but did I really try? Did I make it a point to vary my routine more than a couple weeks? No. She called me out for wanting a friend group again, but being seemingly content with how things are now. I kept saying how great this group of friends was, until it wasn’t. But it wasn’t healthy, it wasn’t good for me. And I need to stop saying that one year was awesome, when in actuality it wasn’t. But in order to get what I want and finding more friends with better values, I need to put myself out there.

Whew. I think I’m going in circles now. Time for bed. The dull ache that I thought left me about a year ago is back on my chest tonight. I hope it lifts as I go through this new process, but maybe I keep pushing it away instead of dealing with the hurt. All I know, Jessica is kicking my butt off the yoga matt already.

This time, it’s really my heart.

It’s been a while…

Life gets crazy.  I don’t even know where to begin on how these past weeks have been.

No half marathon prep.  Will be cheering on the full marathoners as they run right past my house.  It has just fallen away as work became more than I thought it would be.  So much can change in an instant.  And it isn’t possible to take it on yourself.  I see the light at the end of the tunnel now, but for a while there I did not know who I really could depend on.  I hate to say it, but I felt abandoned.  I didn’t have my boss or my mentor who had just retired to turn to.  A learning experience, but one that I didn’t feel I had the experience for.

And then in the middle, I got to spend time with those that matter most.  In a place where I didn’t have to worry about anything but the other pieces of my heart.  I got to spend three days with most of “the thread.”  And become a bridesmaid for a dear friend.  The women who know me.  The women who are pursuing their own path.  The women who are my guiding forces.  The women I see myself getting into trouble with when we all are in an assisted living facility.  The women I miss when we parted ways.  It was just what I needed.  Too short, but I will take those three glorious days.

It never fails to renew me to go home.  The idea of home has become vague over these past four years.  But when you can sleep through the night for the first time in months, you know you’re in a safe place.  I think I keep myself away for too long based on financial reasons.  With Grandma’s health declining, I know that I should be going home more.  I need to make it a point.  Years from now, I know that I will be disappointed in myself for not taking the time.

On Saturday, I took a heart healing chakra yoga class.  I went in tired from another class and wearing pants instead of my usual shorts.  I picked a hot corner and just couldn’t shake a feeling of frustration.  I wanted to be done and at home, but I was on my mat.  I made it through the class and settled into the final pose with the instructor starting to say some words.  I remember her counting us in and telling us she would bring us out.  Warning us that she has put people to sleep before, though mostly men.  I settled in and began to listen, and as usual my mind wandered.  To work issues and then all of a sudden she was counting 3, 2, 1 and I was wide awake.  And not remembering what was in my mind just the moment before.  I can’t be certain, but I went someplace else or was in that state between sleep and being awake.  Ever since I have felt lighter.  I don’t know what she did, or if I experienced anything different.  But something happened.  And my frustration that I carried for an hour and a half during class was gone.  This practice does something.  Sometimes I can’t explain, but it does.  I’m going to take that feeling into these next weeks.  I need to lose this frustration.

Not just on my mat

I recently had the chance to talk to my yoga instructor away from the yoga studio.  An after class happy hour provided the opportunity.  It was enlightening to hear that my journey with yoga is actually similar with others.  Things that are unhealthy fall to the wayside as you spend more time on the mat.  She shared that many times, those who went through teacher training experienced great changes in life.  Either in divorce, changing of careers, etc.

Now I haven’t had that drastic of change in my life, but I did notice those who were not healthy and those who did not support my time on the mat have fallen out of my everyday life.  Taking the time to come to your mat and making it a part of your life, makes other things in life fall inline as well.  Hearing that it wasn’t just me who adjusted a lifestyle based on yoga made me feel vindicated.  I don’t regret making healthy choices.  I don’t regret cutting back on those people who don’t support this lifestyle.  I have found much more on my mat in the past two years than from those around me in Denver.  And even from those who I considered my people.  I’m slowly building a community of people who have invested in themselves and actually support each other, in healthy ways.

As my instructor says, the longest relationship you’ll have is with your body.

Denver

No noteworthy date has me thinking these thoughts, but as I’ve been driving around Denver a little more than usual in the past few days I’m struck by how surprised I am that I’m here.  It’s still weird to me that I’ve moved away from my small town in Minnesota and am setting up a life here.  Here is a much bigger city than what I’m used to, and also I see the most beautiful view everyday.  Don’t get me wrong, I still remember some beautiful Minnesota sunsets over fields of corn.  But these mountains impress me every day.  And it never gets old.  Still takes me aback when I drive or just look west and see the imposing presence of snow dusted mountains.

I had help, thank goodness for my parents, but I can say that I’m making it work out here.  Fear of having to return home may have found me desperate at times, more than I would like to admit.  But as I’m making decisions about what the future holds I see that I am supporting myself.  I have means.  It’s jarring to see people on practically every street corner when I take Speer home.  I’m one circumstance from that.  I know that I have a safety net of a supportive family, but if I didn’t I could be without.  Coming home to a home everyday gets taken for granted.  Being able to drive a car to work and back gets taken for granted.  I’ve worked hard in my life (some days more than others…), but I’m still very lucky to be where I want to be.  Other people don’t get as much of a choice.

It’s been a while since I had my moment on the bridge over I-25 when I knew that I was where I’m supposed to be.  But I think that moment is going to last a while out here.  As I was looking heavily into moving to an upscale apt building down the street this week, I realized I may not always be comfortable in the now.  I’m always looking ahead.  Yoga teacher training, saving for a new car, or paying 400 dollars more for rent for a new place.  Am I never satisfied with where I am?  Am I still looking for the place that I know is really right for me?  Am I unrealistic in what I can afford?  Am I ever going to just take a breath and enjoy where I am?

Maybe I need to take my blog title to heart and find a little rebalancing.  Soon.

16 days and feeling sorry for myself

Need to get this off my chest, otherwise I’m going to be up all night.  Which can’t happen because I have to go into work really early to pack a van and be back on campus all before 7am.

Twisted my ankle a couple days ago.  Still bothering me, though improving.  I’m freaking out already about my lack of running.  Seriously, having a job gets in the way.  And now I haven’t even done yoga for two days.  Suck it up body.  We’ve got things to do.

How to become ourselves without losing each other

A quote from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 that I found particularly fitting.  Yes, corny movie.  But I’m allowed.

These four girls found a way to keep in touch during summers apart, in high school and then in college.  I have a group of girls who have learned how to keep in touch for many years now, not just summers.  I’m extremely lucky to have other people who make the effort to keep in touch.  And who make the point to plan something once in a while to reunite.  I have 419 days until all five of us reunite for a very special event.  But little reunions are possibly popping up before that.  It’s so important to make an effort.  Otherwise friendships change to only exist on Facebook.

I guess I’m expressing my feelings on certain friendships and their new stages.  Some are stronger than ever and others are fading.  I don’t know if it’s the distance or lifestyle changes.  But it’s hard long distance.  Not everything is expressed well over email and gchat.  And sometimes you feel you’re putting more effort into a friendship than you receive.  And at that point I’m going to cut my losses.  I’ve learned to not fight for something that isn’t treating you the same way.

I was lucky this past week.  I had an amazing friend who sent little words of encouragement during the craziest work week ever.  I didn’t need to respond, but I appreciated the heck out of every small word.  That’s when you know you matter in their world.

Crazy work week.

52.5 hours (boom 15 hours of OT!)

22,126 trays

273,322 items

Done with week one of the big library move.  We still have half a week to go, but even that is way ahead of schedule.  We’re too good at what we do is what my boss always says.  And after that first hectic, crazy day we’ve had it under control for the most part.  Feels really good to have this experience under my belt.  And we did it without the other supervisor position.  Which should be filled very soon.

Of course we survived off candy and more candy this past week.  Need to even out my diet for the 34 days until my half marathon.  Getting nervous.  Doubt my time will be all that good.  But that’s the nice thing about the first one of the season.  Winter doesn’t allow me out to run as much as this crazy March weather has.  I got a decent 5 mile run in at Wash Park yesterday.  There is something about that park that makes me want to go more than a lap around.  Could be the intense, super fit runners.  And the men.  Some really nice bearded men were running and that just makes my day better.  I need to go to Wash Park after work now.  Sloan’s Lake just doesn’t cut it.

Off to do massive chores.  I’ve neglected things for this entire week and it’s not pretty.  Need to use up my ripening bananas for some yummy banana bread muffins.  That should make the house smell awesome.

Sorry it’s been so long.  Life.